1. Relationships with key adults
“Even if I only meet you once, even briefly, you can give me a different kind of relationship, one where I feel valued and valuable, connected and safe. And when that happens over and over again with everyone that I meet, I can learn that it’s safe to make connections with people. It’s those connections that we all need to access life chances and reach our full potential.” (from Opening Doors animation, NHS Education for Scotland)
Here are the themes identified by young people within ‘Relationships with Key Adults
Familiar trusted adults
Consistency of adults
Staying in touch
Someone who cares
Children as people rather than cases
Adults as ‘human beings’ first, and professionals second
Children feeling ‘human, seen, and understood’
Being reliable
Other qualities
Summary
Children in the care system and the Children’s Hearings System ...
Children in the care system and the Children’s Hearings System will be supported by numerous adults throughout their care journey. Some adults will be involved in their lives for many years; some they may only meet once or twice in their lives. Any supportive relationship with a child or young person, no matter the duration, has the potential to make a difference. Adults must do all they can to facilitate trusted relationships that enable that support to happen.
Familiar and trusted adults
We spoke to children and young people about what these supportive relationships might look like, what enables them to develop, and why they matter. Children identified a number of key qualities that they value in the adults who support them. The importance of direct support from someone a child knows and trusts was repeatedly emphasised by the young people below.
Kayla from Perth Champs talks about the importance of teachers making a bond with children
Consistency of adults
Where possible, children and young people value having the same adults supporting them over time. This enables them to build up a trusting relationship where the adult gets to know the child and can personalise support to suit their needs. For example, one young person we spoke to said that she liked when adults in her residential home showed they understood her needs by knowing her favourite comfort foods or washing her clothes with fabric softener. The importance of consistent support was highlighted by many of the children we spoke to:
“The support I got from my teacher in P7 was continuous. It helped with transitions and made me feel supported, safe, and secure.” – Jamie, OHOV
“The way they do the staff rotas in secure is good because when something happens if I’m still uptight and need to talk about it the next day, I can talk about it to the same staff; it’s the same people who were there the day before.” – Alesha, OHOV
“I think care experienced young people need more support especially in through care as we are often left to fend for ourselves as social workers often go off sick or change a lot and through care workers don’t really show up for us.” – Ash, OHOV
“I hope they manage to have the same people supporting children right through their time in hearings for consistency so the child will know who they’re dealing with. You ask for continuance, but you don’t really get it.” – Alesha, OHOV
“It would be better if staff stayed longer and gave us consistency. I also like working with staff who come from the scheme and can relate to the things I have gone through.” – George, St Mary’s Kenmure
“You open up to a lovely social worker about how you’re feeling. They promise to follow up with you. Next time you go, someone else is there instead. You don’t feel like saying it all again. You’re labelled as difficult.” – OHOV board member
“Every time I would meet someone new there would be this voice in the back of my head, like ‘they’re going to leave at some point’…and every single time that little voice would be proven right because people do leave, all the time. So I don’t really see the point in trying to build up this relationship with someone and this bond and waste my time getting to know someone when they’re just going to disappear again. I guess it’s kind of like a protective barrier for myself so I can keep myself from being vulnerable with new people when they’re just going to leave.” – Ash, OHOV
Some of the young men we spoke with at St Mary’s Kenmure stated they had built some strong relationships with care staff whom they would regard as friends and would keep in touch with once they leave. The young men mentioned the importance of consistent relationships with adults over time and said that when carers stay with them for longer and provide a personal relationship with them, that helps them individually and creates a better environment for everyone. This also makes it easier to communicate with staff.
Staying in touch
Many children value longer lasting relationships with some adults not only for continuity of support, but also because they may value the relationship in and of itself:
“A lot of children and young people really appreciate when key adults can maintain contact with them after their professional involvement in our lives, when possible.” – Abbie, OHOV
“Certain staff I would like to keep in contact with once I left. They are important to me.” – George, St Mary’s Kenmure
“I have built friendships with staff. I feel cared about.” – Billy, St Mary’s Kenmure
“One of the staff members at champs was, and is, very well loved. She had to retire, and she said she would come back to visit us now and then, and she does. She was fun, she was there if we needed to talk, someone who cared.” – Falkirk Champs
“My favourite teacher was my P6 and P7 teacher, Mr B. He knew about my situation and that made me feel safe. I could always talk to him when things weren’t going well at home. I still talk to him sometimes; I go back to my old primary school and talk to him.” – Daisy, Perth Champs
Trust can easily be broken. An empty promise can leave children feeling let down and hurt. Some children talked about how it felt when an adult with whom they’d built up a relationship left their role and promised to stay in touch but didn’t.
“Don’t promise to come back and visit me unless you’re actually going to do it. If this is goodbye, then just say goodbye.” – Ash, OHOV.
“One of my teachers left the school but she promised me she would come back for S6, and she didn’t. I was telling everyone in S5 she would come back and asked my other teachers about it, saying ‘will she definitely come back? When is she coming back?’ She promised it to me and others, but she never did come back. I was really, really upset.” – Falkirk Champs board member.
Click to view a piece of artwork OHOV board member Ash created to illustrate this point
View artist statement
OHOV Board Member Abbie and Elaine, the manager of her children’s residential house, talk about why staying in touch with staff can be important to children and young people
Ash talks about how it feels when staff members promise to keep in touch and don’t
Someone who cares
When we spoke to children and young people about the qualities of a supportive adult, ‘someone who cares’ was the answer given most frequently.
Some children felt cared for by the way adults checked in on them:
“One time at school I was having a bad day. I really didn’t want to come back, and I spoke to my teacher about it. She let me sit in her room and calm down. I like that she trusted me to be in her classroom and the next day she checked in on me, which made me feel like she cared how I was.”– Snowy, Falkirk Champs
“Nadine is really nice; she helps at Champs. She always asks me how my day is going. She even asks me how I am when she comes to my school, and I see her at lunchtime. I trust Nadine. She’s fun. I get along with her and we like some of the same music.” – L, Falkirk Champs
Several children and young people spoke about adults showing that they cared through hugs. Some children and young people liked this, while some didn’t:
“I let anyone hug me, even staff. It makes me feel good, I think ‘yay, a hug’. I hug everyone.” – Snowy, Falkirk Champs
“Whenever I was to go up to the school and pick my sister up, she (my old teacher) would see me, and she’d have the brightest smile on her face and give me the biggest hug.” – Jamie, OHOV
“I feel like I want a hug sometimes, but I know staff aren’t allowed to, so I stop my brain from wanting it.” – Gemma, Falkirk Champs
“I don’t think staff should ask if it’s ok to hug me as I’ll feel pressured to say yes, even if I don’t want to.” – Ash, OHOV
“You don’t know what a child has been through and being touched by someone can be triggering for some people. It’s better not to ask to hug us or offer hugs, but you can let children know you’re happy to be hugged if they want it and wait for them to hug you first.” – Young Person from Falkirk Champs.
OHOV Board Member Abbie discusses the importance of love with Elaine, the manager of her children’s residential house
Children as people, rather than cases
Children in the care system are aware that the adults who work to support them provide this care as part of their job, but ‘care’ goes beyond meeting children’s practical needs; it begins with treating children as people, rather than cases:
“People who go through the hearings system are often treated like another case or another job and we are not either of those things, we are people. We have the same thoughts and feelings like anyone else.” OHOV board member at STAF conference
“Keep stability with young people and don’t treat them as a job.” – Young person from Youth Just Us
“When you use my name, you make me feel like ‘someone’, not just ‘anyone.’” – Ash, OHOV
“Speak to me like I’m a human. See me for me, not my past.” – Young person from Rossie
“I want to be treated like a regular person and like opportunities to have fun and be more light-hearted.” – Neil, OHOV
“Don’t treat me differently, treat me like a normal person. Don’t use jargon or fancy language. Make me feel equal to you, with no power imbalance.” – Jason, Shetland Crew
Adults as ‘human beings’ first and professionals second
In turn, many children said that they prefer working with adults who are ‘human beings’ first and professionals second:
“Joking with me helps release stress and makes me feel safer. When you act really serious it has a negative effect on me – I feel less safe. I get on best with people when I can have banter with them.” – Neil, OHOV
“Be a person first and a professional second. Don’t be restricted by the parameters of your professional role, use your experience as a parent, for example.” -Achilles, OHOV
“My best teacher was this year’s maths teacher, Mr B, because he’s strict, you get work done, but he also makes learning fun – he’s got good banter. Like, instead of saying ‘right, shut up class’, because it’s always the boys at the back, he says, ‘right men, do your work’. He’s strict, but in a good way. If you’re on your phone he takes it off you, yeah, but you get it back.” – Young person from Perth Champs
Young people at OHOV researched what qualities children want most in solicitors in their hearings. They found that they valued personal qualities and values above the skills and knowledge the solicitor has. You can read more in these Top Tips from Children and Adults in Supporting Children in their Hearings.
Children feeling ‘human, seen, and understood’
During the conversations we had with children and young people, many of them stated that they wanted to feel understood by the adults around them, not judged, shamed, or condemned. Rhiannon from the Shetland Crew said she wanted to feel “human, seen, and understood as a person”. She identified a key quality of a supportive professional as ‘someone who remembers my birthday.’ Danny, a young person from Youth Just Us described how his support worker at Scottish Throughcare and Aftercare helped him feel ‘normal’: “no negativity or smart arsed comments…making me feel normal, comfortable. They support me. I don’t feel judged. This is a safe space”.
Renee, a young person from the National Leadership Network, spoke about a social worker she had who helped her feel seen and understood:
“He was the only person I’d ever met in my whole life at the time who actually validated me, and listened, and heard what I had to say, and actually took into account what my life was, and what I wanted it to be, and what I dreamed and wished for… he heard me. He always had my best intentions and he did almost everything wholeheartedly to make that happen.”
Part of treating children and young people as unique individuals rather than ‘cases’ involves getting to know them. Children and young people would prefer this to happen through conversations. They talked about how it feels when adults form judgements about them based on reports, without having met them:
“The thought of someone reading my file and deciding about me makes me sad. I want them to learn about me through what I think is important.” – Ryden, Experts by Experience
“Let me write to my new placement and tell them about me.” – Young person from Rossie
“They’re actually doing it because they want to. They get to know you.” – Rhiannon, Shetland Crew
“My housing support worker got to know me through me. This is so important.” – Poppy, OHOV
“When new adults start, they read all of our files and then in a way that’s how they see us- like before they have spoken to me, they know me.” – Amelia Experts by Experience
“Try getting to know a child or young person before reading a report about them and forming pre-judgements.” – Jamie, OHOV
“I felt disrespected and not listened to by my social worker and the children’s hearing. They didn’t seem to get to know me, just based decisions on my family background.” – Danny, Youth Just Us
Simply listening to children and young people can go a long way towards getting to know them and understand what support they might need:
“Sometimes a young person doesn’t need advice, just someone to listen to them. And please ask questions; do all you can to make a young person feel like you genuinely care. Think to yourself when leaving work would you rather a young person felt like you aren’t interested in what they have to say or that you asked a few too many questions?” – Achilles, OHOV board member
“My PE teacher noticed when I was struggling really badly and no one else noticed. She didn’t make me feel different and she let me know I could go to her, and she would understand.” – Sinead, The Fostering Network
“When working with humans, there’s so much that you can’t learn on paper or in a classroom. And yeah, it’s about being reflective and holding yourself accountable and that’s actually your responsibility to go in there and see the child for who they are. Get to know the child, get to know them, because every individual on this planet is so unique and so amazing.” – Paige, National Leadership Network
“My primary 7 teacher, she was an angel. An absolute Angel. She was really, really, really supportive. She was really understanding. I would, like, go up at lunchtime and I’d talk to her all the time. She knew like my whole entire life story. She was amazing. She always made me feel really listened to. If I was talking, she would never, like, interrupt me or speak over me, she would just sit there and show that she was active listening.” – Jamie, OHOV
A young person from The Fostering Network speaking about how her PE teacher helped her feel seen, supported, and understood
OHOV Board Member Abbie talks about a teacher who listened to her
OHOV Board Member Abbie and the manager of her children’s house discuss how their relationship has developed over time, and what helped this to happen
Being reliable
Part of being an effective supportive professional in a child’s life involves being reliable. Children and young people need to know they can rely on the adults around them to provide support when required:
“I feel that I can trust them more when they show that they actually listen and follow up/ act on things that are promised or said.” – Ciara, OHOV
“A supportive professional turns up at the agreed time.” – Rochelle, Shetland Crew
Paige from the National Leadership Network describes how supported and cared for she felt by a worker at Skills Development Scotland:
“She was just the most amazing figure in my life. She actually ended up taking on my two sisters as well, on her caseload. And we still meet up to this day outside…she still meets with us personally. She just loves us now, and she thinks we’re so funny, especially when we’re together. But it felt like she had really seen me.”
Speaking of her experience with Skills Development Scotland, Paige said:
“They’re such an advocate. They’re so on our side, and they’re doing it right…they’ve really done right by me and my sisters.”
The young men we spoke to from the Inside Out group in Polmont cited reliability as the quality they valued most in a supportive professional. They talked about asking the prison officers for help, stating that some of them were great and would chase up what they needed, that they ‘genuinely want to help you’ and would make sure they got what they were entitled to, whereas there were some members of staff they wouldn’t approach at all as they knew the answer would be no. Some officers were described as ‘heavy jobsworths’ who did not care about them. When asked what the prison officers do to show care towards the young men in Polmont, one of them replied “most of them don’t care about us. But that’s fine, it’s not their job to care.”
You can read more about this in the support section of the guide.
Other qualities
The qualities of supportive adults that were most frequently spoken about by children have been discussed above. You can view all qualities that were identified, including those mentioned less frequently, in the graphic below.
Summary
Children and young people value consistency of support, having the same adults supporting them over time, and getting to know them in order to build up trust and personalise support. Many children felt cared for when relationships with key adults continued after the support had ended. Some children stated that they felt hurt when adults promised to stay in touch but didn’t. It was important to children and young people that the adults involved in their lives saw them as people rather than cases and got to know and understand them by taking the time to listen to them. They wanted professionals to take a human approach to care and support and emphasised the importance of being reliable. Some children and young people felt especially cared for when an adult took the time to check in on them. Some children liked adults to express care through hugs, whereas others were uncomfortable with this.